Man's Best Fiend/Transcript

Here's 21st episode for season 2 from Winnie the Pooh Goes Back at the Barnyard. Here's the Transcript.

The Beginning

(Scene opens up to a game of cards with greeting cards)

• Abby: Okay, show your greeting cards.
• Pig: I got a pair of Get Well Soons’ and a Happy Secretary’s Day.
• Pooh: 2 Easters and a National Honey Day
• -Three It’s a girl and a pair of twins.
• -I got two graduations and a Think Green Arbor Day.
• Phineas: Luckily we got this giant Mom’s Birthday Card.
• -Can’t beat this, 3 Christmas in July.
• -Not so fast.  2 Chinese New Years and a Anniversary
• Luan: I see your Chinese Year and raise you 3 April Fools and a National Pie Day
• Otis: Ha, full house; Birthday, anniversary, sympathy, friendship, and Happy Bar Mitzvah step nephew. Come to papa.

(Suddenly Duke comes in a wrecks the game while playing a ball)

• Duke: Hey, guys. Check it out! I got a new ball. Alright come on. Who wants to play? Who wants to play?

(Everyone else slowly walks off)

• Duke: Oh geez doesn't anyone hear like to play ball?
• Otis: You know, Ball is more of a dog game.
• -Why don’t you ask Spike?
• -He's at the groomer's today
• Otis: Ok, how bout Lana. She human, but she does act like a dog.
• -She's getting her shots again.
• Otis: Goofy?
• -Said he was taking on flying lesson. As a matter fact, DUCK!!!

(Goofy comes in flying through the barnyard and into the well)

• Otis: Why don’t you ask Everett?
• Duke: Good idea! Hey, Everett, think fast! (throws it a Everett softly and he breaks apart)
• Otis: Duke you need a doggy friend that isn’t getting clean, not in a well and with working bones.
• Duke: Yeah, I know but it’s not like I can just tell the farmer, I want a doggy buddy.
• Otis: (to the audience) Or can you?

(Later answers the door and it was Otis as a dog whisper with a Spanish accent)

• Otis: Hola senor. I am the pet whisper
• Farmer: (shutters) What?
• Otis: I SAID I AM THE PET WHISPER!!
• Farmer: Oh. You mean the man from the tv who understand dog talk.
• Otis: Ecactamente. I was on a soul searching walk about when I sense your dog was in great distressed
• Farmer: Duke? Oh, he’s fine
• Otis: If I may. (acts like Duke is speaking to him) He’s saying he is very lonely and wishes for a doggy friend to have the frolic and the playing and games and such.
• Farmer: Really? I had no idea. I’ll go to the animal shelter right now.
• Otis: Oh, oh. He also say the barn animals and children, eh they would enjoy a flat screen TV and a cable hook up
• Farmer: Oh we don’t have time for that. My best friend needs a doggy plan. (heads for his truck and drives off)
• Duke: Otis, it worked. How can I ever thank you.
• Otis: Well you could stop sniffing my butt.
• Duke: (to audience) Or can I?

(A couple of minutes later, the farmer comes back)

• Pip: Farmer’s back!
• Peck: Oh, I wonder what kind of dog he got
• Abby: Hey, maybe it’s a laberdoodle.
• Freddy: Or a cockaterrier
• Pig: Or a kangagator
• Pip: Uh, those don’t exist.

• Pig: Or don’t they? Marvis! You’re right they don’t.

• Abby: The important thing is Duke’s gonna have a new friend.
• Otis: And it’s all thanks to me
• Farmer: Meet your new pal, Duke. You boys have fun. (leaves)
• Duke: Hey, how’d you doing,fella? I’m Duke. Come out and say hi.

(But as the dog comes out of the cage it turns out to be…)

• Baxter: Well, Duncan, we meet again.
• Duke: (screams like a girl)
• Otis: Oh no, guys it’s Baxter. You remember Baxter. Baxter was that awful mutt who switched places with Duke at the vet and then tried to steal his life here at the barnyard.
• Abby: Otis, we know. It was just a couple of weeks ago
• Pig: Yeah, who are you, Professor Exposition?
• Otis VO: Professor Exposition, explainer of things. He clarifies power points to explain away confusion.
• Otis: No I am not he.
• Pig: Then my search continues.
• -Who's Baxter?
• -He's a bad dog who once tried to take Duke's life before.
• -Oh.

The Middle

• Baxter: What’s wrong, Derrick? You don’t look happy to see me.
• Duke: The name’s Duke and you got five seconds to take a hike, Baxter, before I make you take it.
• Otis: Yeah maybe you should beat it, lifestealer

• Abby: Yeah, you got a lot of nerve coming back here.

• Freddy: Yeah.
• Peck: Some nerve
• Pip: Identity thief.
• Baxter: Fellas, fellas, you got me all wrong. Hey, the farmer picked me completely of his own free will; true story.

(Flashback to the Oedeville Pet Shelter)

• Baxter: (sees the farmer coming his way) Hey, guys, who wants whipped cream? (sprays it on 2 dogs to make it look like they have rabies)
• Farmer: Uh, (sees Baxter) I’ll take that one.

(Flashback ends)

• Baxter: He chose out of thousands, Dorack.
• Duke: It’s Duke.
• Baxter: Duke, Jeremy, names aren’t important. What matter is I’ve changed. I’m out of the identity stealing game
• Duke: Thanks, but I’ll find somebody else to play Ball with.
• Baxter: Wait! Did you say Ball? I love Ball
• Duke: You do?
• Baxter: You kidding me? I’m all about Ball! I love more than life itself!
• Duke: Well, any dog who likes Ball can’t be all bad.
• Baxter: Sure, it’s all good. So what’ya say, Cheter, Skip, Alvin, Betty, Samathacresten? Can I stay?
• Otis: Uh, Duke, I guess it’s up to you.
• Duke: Oh, what the heck.
• Baxter: Alright! Up top, don’t leave me hanging. Oh too slow for the dog show. Now let’s get our Ball on!
• Abby: Oh look at them. They’re adorable together.
• Pig: Make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Though that could be the caterpillar I swallowed.
• Caterpillar: It’s been 2 days since the giant pig monster ate me. Is this really happening or is it all some terrible NIGHTMARE!?
• Narrator: 2 hours later….
• Duke: Phew, I haven’t played that much Ball in ages. Good times.
• Baxter: Sure, we’re super tight best buds now. Hey, Derk, go long! (throws the ball at a lamp but Duke catches it)
• Duke: Oh, Baxter, we never play Ball in the house; Farmer’s rules!
• Baxter: Oh? Any rules against smashing lamps? (knocks the lamp out of Duke’s hand) (hears someone coming) The Farmer! (hides)
• Farmer: (gasps) Bad Duke! Bad Duke!
• Baxter: Oooo, you’re in trouble.

(Later on Baxter gets Duke in more trouble like tearing up the Farmer’s hat, make mud prints all over his room, and put a stick of dynamite in the newspaper. Finally, the farmer sends Duke to the barn)

• Farmer: Your not the dog I thought you were, Duke. From now on, you stay in the barn. (slams the door and leaves)
• Otis: Duke, what happened?
• Duke: That little mutt, Baxter, framed me so he can have the house to himself.

(Everyone is shocked)

• Baxter: Actually, it’s true. I play you like a cheap squeak toy. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
• Otis: Nothing, really? Well, I don’t know, I’m sure we put our heads together we---GET HIM!!!!

(Soon everyone chased Baxter)

• Baxter: Oh, yes, chase me. I love Chase almost as I love Ball. Oh yeah, that’s right, I hate Ball. (heads towards the Farmer)
• Farmer: Bad animals! Chasing a poor innocent puppy! Shame on you!  (Baxter started licking him) Oh, kisses for Daddy. (heads inside)
• Pip: I can’t believe that guy.
• Duke: I know. Those should be my kisses for daddy. Did I just said that out loud.
• Otis: Don’t worry Duke. We’ll get rid of Baxter somehow.
• Duke: Nah, forget it, Otis. We gotta do what the farmer says. I’ll just move into the barn with you.
• Otis: Sure, it’s not so bad really.

(Everyone agrees)

• Duke: And I won’t be any trouble. You’ll hardly know I’m there.

(Later that night, Duke keeps everyone up with his howling)

• Otis: Duke, could you keep it down?
• Duke: I’m sorry, guys. Howling clears my sinuses. (gets a itch) Oh, oh, somebody scratch my back. The farmer always scratches my back. Nobody? Alright. I got it. I got it. (scratches himself on the floor) Well, back to my sinuses. (howls) Yeah, that’s better. (Howls)
• Pip: Is there any way to keep him quiet?!?!
• Freddy: (with a shovel) Way ahead of you.
• Otis: Freddy! Come on, guys. Duke is off his routine. I’m sure in no time at all.
• Duke: Oooh, I got another itch. (scratches himself) Oh, yeah. There it is. Hey, I’m fitting right in here, aren’t I?

The Ending

• Pip: (gets a call) Sup. It’s for you, Duke.
• Duke: Me? (answers it) This is Duke.
• Baxter: Hi, Deke, how’s the barn, not that I care.
• Duke: Baxter you little--
• Baxter: Me? We’ll I’m having a swell time with the farmer, thanks for asking. We just finish watching Casablanca on TV
• Duke: Casablanca? That’s our movie.
• Baxter: And afterwards, he taught me how to balance a dog treat on my nose.
• Duke: That’s our trick!
• Baxter: Oh, by the bye, I’m sleeping in his bed now. Yeah, I guess you could say, I’m his new best friend. Oops, gotta go, time for my tummy rub
• Duke: I’ll show that Baxter. I don’t need the farmer. I got all the friend I need right here. So, uh, who wants to de-worm me?

(Everyone stood quiet for a sec)

• Otis: Barn meeting! Guys, we can’t let Baxter get away with this. We gotta get him outta house and Duke back in; for all our sakes
• Duke: But, Otis, Baxter set me up good. The farmer will never take me back
• Otis: Oh, I think he would, if you save him from a man-eating bear!
• Freddy: Oh, I like where this is going.
• Duke: Well I don’t.
• Otis: Relax, I won’t be a real bear. It’ll be me in a bear costume. Now the farmer takes Baxter out every afternoon for his walk
• Freddy: Oh, I love that plan!
• Otis: I haven’t said it yet.
• Freddy: Now I’m confused

(The next morning, the farmer takes Baxter for a run)

• -(on walkie) Ok, they are on the move.
• -Great just wait for the signal.
• Farmer: Okay, Baxter, you lead the way. (Baxter barks) Ha, ha, what a cute little dickens.

(Suddenly, “Otis comes out as bear scaring the farmer)

• Farmer: A bear! Get him boy! Get him! (suddenly Baxter started pushing the farmer towards the bear) What? Don’t! Stop! What are you doing? Bad dog, no!
• Duke: Look at Otis, what a ham. Well I guess it showtime. (heads towards Otis)
• -Go get him, Duke.
• -This is almost to easy.
• -Yeah, but you know something looks odd about Otis.
• -What do you mean?
• -It almost seems like that costume is too realistic.
• -Now that you mention it, it does a bit real.
• -Hey, guys. Otis just radio me telling me he's almost ready.
• -Then that means--
• Piglet: Oh dear.
• Tigger: Uh oh.
• Rabbit: We gotta get down there as and back up, Duke or he'll get really hurt.

(Dukes comes in, kicked, bites, and kung fu’d, Otis out right at the farmer feet)

• Farmer: Duke, you saved my life! I’ve never should have kicked you out boy. Can you forgive me? (sees Baxter giving a sad look) And as for you, throw me to a bear. Bad dog! You’re going back to the shelter to find a new home.
• Baxter: This isn’t over, Derwood. I’ll be back, you’ll see. And then we’ll…(yanked away)
• -Duke, are you okay?
• Duke: Course I am, why would I be?
• -Well you see.
• Duke: One sec, guys. They’re gone, Otis. You can get up now. Otis?
• -Uh Duke, there’s something you should know about Otis.

(Suddenly Otis comes out a bear)

• Otis: Hey, Duke, where’s the farmer?
• Duke: Oh, he just took Baxter back too---Hold up. If you’re there, then who's that?
• -That’s what we were trying to tell you.
• -You just beat and kung fu’d a real bear.
• Bear: Round 2, sheep dog.
• Duke: Wait I can explain. You see that other dog stole my identity in a previous episode and recently return to try it again.
• Bear: Who are you, Professor Exposition?

• Otis VO: Professor Exposition, explainer of things. He clarifies powerpoints to explain away confusion!

• Duke: Who? (the bear smashes him in the ground and leaves)
• Otis: You okay there, Duke?
• Duke: Hey, my master loves me again. I am feeling no pain. Well, maybe a little pain. Actually, it’s quite intense. Now I’m blacking out. And, I’m out. (faints)

(Later, the farmer plays Ball with Duke, as the gang watches from the window)

• -Looks Duke and Farmer are happy again.
• Sci-Twi: Yep, nothing for powerful than a love between dog and their human.
• Spike the dog: Yeah.

• Otis: Yep. Now there’s a sight that warms your heart.
• Farmer: Kisses for Daddy. (Duke slobbers all over the farmer)
• -What kind of sight is that?
• Otis: And there’s a sight makes your heart puke.
• Abby: Yeah, shut the window
• Pig: Can’t unseen that
• Pip: Gross
• Freddy: Yuck.

The End.