Tino's Adventures of The Emperor's New Groove/Transcript

Here is the transcript of Tino's Adventures of The Emperor's New Groove

Script

The Prologue

(Tino and his friends journeys off Bahai Bay once again to kingdom far away along with very special friend Akko Kagari, and their newest friends; Oopsy, Cheer, Grumpy, Funshine and Share. Long ago, somewhere deep in the jungle...)

(At the jungle, we see a llama all alone in the rain, when thunder was heard, and he got scared)

• Kuzco: (narrating) Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Actually, my story. That's right. I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco. Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what. You go back a ways before I was a llama and this'll all make sense. [Film rewinds to show Kuzco as a baby playing with his toys] Okay. See, now that's a little too far back. Oh, look at me! That's me as a baby! [The stuffed animal's head pops off when Baby Kuzco squeezes it. Baby Kuzco cries, but coos and giggles when more stuffed animals are given to him. Kuzco, narrating offscreen, clears his throat] Okay. Let's move ahead.

(Then we see Kuzco getting ready for the groove, as the title "Tino's Adventures of The Emperor's New Groove" appears, as the crown flies up in the air and back down to the top of Kuzco's head, and he spins around to the audience)

• Kuzco: Oh yeah.

[Theme Song Guy]

There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators.

There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas.

There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements.

They'd be better suited swinging from the trees.

He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in a thousand years of aristocracy.

(As he walk, then the wall is made into a hall way to his throne, then his chairman carries him to the top and gets him on his throne, doing all the responibilites and tires out and lays down)

• Kuzco: (narrating) Okay. This is the real me. [Scene cuts to him as a llama] Not this. [Cuts back to him as a human, lounging on his throne] This. [Back to Llama Kuzco] Not this. Winner. Loser! Okay. See this palace? Everybody in it is at my command. Check this out. [Snaps his fingers] Butler! [Snaps his fingers again] Chef! [Camera zooms out showing a giant cake, Kuzco snaps his fingers a third time] Theme song guy.

(Then the theme song guys pops out of the cake and sing his theme song, as Emperor Kuzco starts dancing until he bumps into an old man)

• Kuzco: DOW! You threw off my groove!
• Guard: I'm sorry but you kinda thrown off the Emperor's groove.

(The guard grabs his shirt and throw him out the window)

• Old man: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

(Then back to Kuzco and the theme song guy)

• Kuzco: You were sayin?

(The song continues on as the guards and Kuzco dance along and then Kuzco runs on and kicks the door open)

• Kuzco: (kicks the door) Ha! BOOM BABY!
• Royal Recordkeeper: Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
• Kuzco: All righty. Trot out the ladies. Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes, yikes, yikes, and let me guess. You have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?
• Royal Recordkeeper: Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--
• Kuzco: (narrating) What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up.

(Outside the palace)

• Kuzco: (narrating) Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life.

(Cut to Tino and his friends)

• Kuzco: (narrating) First, this is my descendant, Tino Tonitini. And he's got friends: Lor, Carver, Tish and their witch friend Akko. Oh and these bears are Tino's newest friends, Oopsy, Cheer, Grumpy, Funshine and Share.
• Cheer Bear: We we are. The Aztec kingdom.
• Atsuko Kagari: This can be fun.
• Kuzco: (narrating) And don't get me wrong, Tino and his friends are the coolest guys ever, until they met this guy.

(They see a peasant, coming up the stairs)

• Kuzco: (narrating) So, this is Pacha.
• Pacha: Excuse me, uh, I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco, along with some of my friends. You see I've got this summon and-
• Guard: Inside, up the stairs and to the left. Just follow the signs.
• Pacha: Oh, great. Thanks a lot.

(He follows the signs to see the Emperor)

• Kuzco: (narrating) Oh and don't be fooled by that folksy peasant look.
• Tino Tonitini: [To the viewers] Oh hey.
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• Pacha: Oh!
• Rudy: Pardon me. That's mine.
• Pacha: Oh, here you go.
• Rudy: Thank you.
• Pacha: You're welcome.
• Cheer Bear: Uh Pacha?
• Pacha: Aah! Oh, hey. Are you all right? Here. Let me, uh--
• Rudy: Oh, you're so very kind.
• Pacha: What happened?
• Rudy: Well, I... I threw off the emperor's groove.
• Akko Kagari: His grove?
• Rudy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life, his pattern of behavior. I threw it off, and the emperor had me thrown out the window.
• Pacha: [Gasps] Oh, really? I'm supposed to see him today.
• Rudy: Don't throw off his groove!
• Pacha: Oh, OK.
• Rudy: Beware the groove.
• Pacha: Hey, are you gonna be all right?
• Rudy: Groove.
• Lor McQuarrie: That was weird.
• Oopsy Bear: Wonder why he was shook up for throwing off someone's groove.
• Tino Tonitini: No matter we got to get the emperor's throne room.
• Kuzco: (narrating) You see what I mean? These guys are trouble, but as bad as they are, they're nothing compared to what's coming up next.

Kuzco fires Yzma/Kuzco meets Pacha, Tino and his friends/Kuzcotopia

(We go to inside the palace with a woman talking to a peasent)

• Yzma: And why have you come here today?
• Peasant: Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.
• Kuzco: (narrating) OK, gang. Check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor-- living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.

(Then a fly flies around Yzma)

• Kronk: Yeah, I got that there, Yzma. Unh!

(He tries to get the fly, but then fail as he hits himself trying to get it)

• Kuzco: (narrating) Yep, that's Kronk. Now lately, Yzma's gotten into this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinkin' that's got to stop.
• Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?
• Peasant: Um, food.
• Yzma: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!
• Peasant: But I-- Oh, OK.

(The guards grab the peasant's arms and drag him away)

• Yzma: Ugh.
• Kuzco: [Offscreen] The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?
• Yzma: Tell me about it. Aah!

(Kuzco was right behind her.)

• Kuzco: Hi there.
• Yzma: Ooh, Your Highness.
• Kuzco: Ahem.
• Yzma: Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...
• Kuzco: Uh, you were doing it again.
• Yzma: Doing? Doing... Doing what?
• Kuzco: Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?
• Yzma: But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.
• Kuzco: (In his thoughts) Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? What the-- How long has that been there?
• Kronk: Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?
• Kuzco: Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.
• Servant: Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you. And he's brought some friends with him.
• Kuzco: Oh, great. Send them in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
• Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, fired?
• Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.
• Yzma: But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- (sits on the throne in shock) But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.
• Kuzco: Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?
• Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
• Kuzco: Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack. (throws the snack)
• Kronk: Got it! Unh! Oof!

(Kronk think tries to catch the snack but falls down the steps)

• Kuzco: OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.
• Kronk: I'm OK. I'm fine.

(Yzma storms out in anger)

• Kuzco: Ah. OK. Show them in.
• Pacha: Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I received a summon--
• Kuzco: Hey, there he is! My main village man.
• Pacha: Um, Pacha.
• Tino Tonitini: I'm Tino Tonitini, but you may call me Tino for short. And these are my friends. Lor, Carver, Tish,
• Atsuko Kagari: And my name's Atsuko Kagari, but you may call me Akko for short. It's a pleasure.
• Cheer Bear: And we're the Care Bears. I'm Cheer. This is Grumpy, Funshine, Share, and Oopsy.
• Pacha: Anyway, I got this summon--
• Kuzco: Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.
• Pacha: I am?
• Kuzco: Word on the street is you can fix my problem.

(He goes down)

• Kuzco: You can fix my problem, can't you?
• Pacha: Sure. I'll do what I can.
• Kuzco: Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear.

(The group follows the duo)

• Kuzco: Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
• Pacha: Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you--

(Kuzco shows the model of a village)

• Kuzco: My village?
• Kuzco: Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!
• Pacha: Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.
• Kuzco: Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you find you get the most sun?
• Pacha: Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
• Kuzco: Well, that settles it.
• Pacha: Really?
• Kuzco: Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.
• Pacha: That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
• Kuzco: I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.
• Grumpy Bear: Wait... a pool?

(Then Kuzco bring out his model of his pool)

• Kuzco: Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway complete with water slide.
• Pacha: What?
• Tino Tonitini: Um, what?  
• Carver Descartes: What?!
• Lor McQuarrie: What?!
• Tish Katsufrakis: What?!
• Akko Kagari: Huh?
• Kuzco: Isn't it great? It's my birthday gift to me. Ha! I'm so happy.
• Pacha: Uh...uh... um...I don't understand how this could happen.
• Kuzco: Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word, and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... [Hums Carnival Tune]
• (Kuzco then knocks the figure off of Pacha's hand)
• Kuzco: So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.
• Oopsy Bear: But where will Pacha, his family and the whole villagers be living for now on?
• Kuzco: Hmm... Don't know, don't care. How's that?
• Pacha: Oh, but wait. You can't--

(The guards stopped him from getting close to the emperor)

• Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!

(The guard push Pacha and the heroes away)

• Pacha: Oh, w--wait. No--
• Kuzco: Heh heh Boohoo. (then Narrating again) Oh, yeah. Everything was goin' my way.

Yzma's plan to kill Kuzco/Dinner/Turning into a llama

(A statue head of Kuzco is smashed)

• Kuzco: (narrating) Or so I'd thought.
• Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is? Does he... A little to the left. ...have any idea of who he's dealing with? How could he do this to me? Why, I practically raised him.
• Ranamon: Well you think he would've turned out better, Yzma.
• Yzma: Yeah, go figure.
• Kronk: Well, it's better you're takin' out your anger on these things instead of Kuzco, huh?
• Yzma: [Gasps] That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco. Ha ha ha ha ha!
• Grizzle: Who? The real Kuzco?
• Yzma: Of course the real Kuzco. Don't you see? It's perfect. With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
• Fat Cat: But how does that work with you bein' fired and all, Yzma?
• Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the five of us.
• Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?
• Yzma: To the secret lab! Pull the lever, Kronk.

(Kronk pulls the lever and she falls down the trapdoor)

• Yzma: WRONG LEVEEEEEEEEEERRRRR..............
• Kronk: Huh?
• Fat Cat: Why does she even have that lever?

(Then Yzma comes back with a alligator on her butt)

• Yzma: That's would I like to know.

(he kicks the alligator off of her dress and then goes to the lever)

• Yzma: Get out of my way!

(She pulls down the lever and then they got on the cart)

• Skull: Please remain seated and keep your arms and legs in at all times.

(Then the cart goes down like a roller coaster)

• Yzma: Whee!
• Kronk: Faster, faster! Yzma, put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

(Then at the end of the ride, they are in their lab suits. Yzma and Kronk hi-five each other, and then goes to the lab)

• Fat Cat: So what dastardly plan you'll come up with, Yzma.
• Yzma: Let me have a think, Mr. Cat. Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, ah ha ha ha! I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!

(She knock a vile of a chemical and it destroyed a plant, and then Yzma comes up with another plan)

• Yzma: Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. Oh ho ho ho. Feel the power.
• Kronk: Oh... I can feel it.
• Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's dinner time.
• (????)
• Yzma: So...is everything ready for tonight?
• Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad and then see how we feel after that.
• Yzma: Not the dinner... The you know.
• Kronk: Oh, right. The poison-- The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen specially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison?
• Yzma: Yes! That poison.
• Kronk: Got you covered.
• Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead for dessert.
• Kronk: Which is a real shame, because it's gonna be delicious.

(They hear the door bang opened as the door was opened by Kuzco)

• Kuzco: Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world. So...no hard feelings about being let go.
• Yzma: None whatsoever. Kronk, get the emperor a drink.
• Kronk: Drink. Right.
• [Pouring Drink]
• [Opening Poison Stopper]
• [Pours Poison In Drink]
• [Explosion]
• Kronk: Your Highness.
• Kuzco: [Sniffs] Is something burning?
• Kronk: [Gasps] My spinach puffs!
• [Twangs Fork]
• Kuzco: Ahem. So...he seems... nice.
• Yzma: Heh. He is.
• Kuzco: He's what, in his late twenties?
• Yzma: Heh heh. I'm not sure.
• Kronk: Saved 'em!
• Kuzco: That's great.
• Yzma: Great!
• Kuzco: Good job.
• Yzma: Very good job.
• Kronk: Watch it. They're still hot.
• Yzma: Ahem. Ahem! Heh heh heh. Kronk. The emperor needs his...drink.
• Kronk: Right. Oh. Right.
• Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything OK back there? Well, heh.
• Kronk: Oh, uh... Ooh. The drinks were a bit on the... hmm... oh...ugh...warm side. Heh heh. Hey, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.
• Yzma: Ha ha ha. Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
• Kronk: [Under His Breath] Don't drink the wine. [Coughing] Poison.
• Kuzco: Ah! Tasty.
• Yzma: Finally! Ha ha ha! Good work, Kronk.
• Kronk: Oh, they're so easy to make. I'll get you the recipe.
• Yzma: Now to get rid of the body.

(Then Kuzco get back up)

• Kuzco: OK! What were we saying?
• Yzma: Uh...we were just making a toast to your long and... healthy rule.
• Kuzco: Right. So what are you gonna do? I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time. Um...
• Yzma: Ahem. [Humming]
• Kuzco: It might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend? Heh heh.
• [Yzma Muttering]
• Kuzco: Now, about you finding new work...
• Yzma: Hit him on the head.
• Kuzco: ...that's--that's gonna be tough.
• Kronk: More broccoli?
• Kuzco: Because you're... you know. Let's face it. You're no spring chicken, and I mean that in the best possible way.

(The Kronk knocks the llama Kuzco out cold)

• Yzma: What? A llama? He's supposed to be dead!
• Kronk: Yeah, weird.
• Grizzle: What went wrong?
• Yzma: Let me see that vial. This isn't poison. This is extract of llama. Ugh!
• Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.
• Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
• Kronk: What about dinner?
• Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
• Kronk: How about dessert?
• Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
• Kronk: And coffee?
• Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!

Finishing the job/????

• Kuzco: [narrating] Guess where I am right now. Uh-huh. In the bag. Still think I'm the victim here? Watch. It gets better. Ugh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb, and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
• Kronk: Huhh! Mission accomplished.
• Kronk angel: You're not just gonna let him did like that, are you?
• Kronk: My shoulder angel.
• Kronk devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
• Kronk angel: Oh, come off it.
• Kronk devil: You come off it!
• Kronk angel: You.
• Kronk devil: You.
• Kronk angel: You.
• Kronk devil: You infinity.
• Kronk angel: Uhh!
• Kronk devil: Listen up, big guy. I got 3 good reasons why you should just walk away. "Number one..." Look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.
• Kronk angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
• Kronk devil: Oh, right. That's a harp... and that's a dress.
• Kronk angel: Robe!
• Kronk devil: Reason number 2. Look what I can do. Ha ha ha!
• Kronk: But...what does that have to do with anything?
• Kronk angel: No, no. He's got a point.
• Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so begone! Uh, or, uh, you know. However I get rid of you guys.
• Kronk devil: That'll work.
• Kuzco: [narrating[ Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?
• Kronk: Oh, boy. Think, think, think. What to do, what to do? What do we do with the body?
• Pacha: [Sighs] What am I gonna tell the village?
• Kronk: Come on, Kronky. Come on, Kronky. OK. What do I do? What do I do? Aah!
• [Mrreoww]
• Kronk: Back! Elbow! Shoulder! Unh!
• Kronk: Oh. Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me. Stop! Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry about that. Comin' through. Hey, you with the cart! Uh-oh. This is not good. Uhh. Hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.
• Tipo: Mom, Mom! I think I'm still growing! Measure me again!
• Chicha: All right, Tipo. Stand still and let's see.
• Chaca: Mom, you and I both know that it's impossible for him to have grown in the last 5 minutes.
• Tipo: Mmm! Mmm!
• Chaca: Isn't it?
• Chicha: [Gasps] Look how much you've grown!
• Chaca: What? Tipo, get out of the way. It's my turn again. Measure me.
• Tipo: Dad's home!
• [Kids Laughing]
• Pacha: Come Here!
• Pacha: Hey, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Come here. Ha ha ha!
• [All Three Laughing]
• Tipo: Dad! I ate a bug today!
• Pacha: Oh! Was Mom baking again? Heh. Don't tell her I said that.
• Chicha: I heard that. OK, everybody, move aside. Lady with a baby coming through.
• Tipo: Dad, Dad, Dad! Look at how big I am! We were all measured today.
• Pacha: Oh.
• Tipo: I'm going through a growth spurt. I'm as big as you were when you were me.
• Pacha: Mm-hmm. Sure are.
• Chaca: That's not as impressive as my loose tooth. See?
• Chicha: Okay, Okay, you two. Our deal was that you could stay awake until Daddy came home. Now say good night.
• Both: Dad, do we have to? [Whimpering]
• Pacha: No, you two can stay up. We're just gonna be sitting here telling each other how much we love each other. Right, honey? [Coos]
• Tipo: Ew!
• Chaca: Blecch!
• Both: ...GOOD NIGHT. [Both Laughing]
• Chicha: So what did the emperor want?
• Pacha: Ahem. You know what? He couldn't see me.
• Chicha: Couldn't see you? Why not?
• Pacha: I don't know.
• Chicha: Well, that's just rude.
• Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.
• Chicha: No, no, no, no. No. Emperor or no emperor, it's called common courtesy.
• Pacha: Honey...
• Chicha: If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him, and you know I would.
• Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie, think of the baby.
• Chicha: Pacha, I'm fine. The baby's not coming for a while, but even if it was, I'd give tha guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just--just-- Uhh! [Snarls] I gotta go was something. Pacha? You OK?
• Pacha: Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm just a little tired from the trip. Um...I'm gonna go put Misty away.
• Kuzco: Uh, heh heh. Hi. Excuse me. Two seconds here. Um, I'm the one in the cart, remember? This story's about me, not him. OK. You got it? All right. We're gonna move ahead. Sorry to slow you down. Heh heh heh.

?????

Pacha: Huh? Whoa.

Kuzco: Uhh. Oh.

Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?

Kuzco: No touchy.

Pacha: Aah! Demon llama!

Kuzco: Demon llama? Where? Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ooh hoo hoo! Ow! Ow, my head.

Pacha: OK, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm.

Kuzco: What are you talking talking about-- Oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.

Pacha: [Gasps] Emperor Kuzco?

Kuzco: Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin' to?

Pacha: Uh...how did-- Um... you don't... look like the emperor.

Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?

Pacha: Uh...oh... do this...

Kuzco: What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to-- Aah! It can't be! Aah! Aah! Aah! My face! Aah! My beautiful, beautiful face!

Pacha: Okay, Okay, Okay.

Kuzco: I'm an ugly, stinky llama!

Pacha: Wait, Okay, Your Majesty.

Kuzco: Llama face!

Pacha: Shh! What happened?

Kuzco: I'm trying to figure that out, Okay? [Laughing Hysterically] [Whimpering Frantically] Ohh-ho! I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Ohh! And you turned me into a llama!

Pacha: What? No, I did not.

Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me.

Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?

Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the crinimal mastermind, not me.

Pacha: What?

Kuzco: Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. OK. I have to get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab." I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back. Hey, you. No waste. Let's go. Hey, tiny, I want to get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.

Pacha: Build your summerhouse somewhere else.

Kuzco: You want to run that by me again?

Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.

Kuzco: Hmm. I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. I don't make deals with peasants!

Pacha: Then I guess I can't take you back.

Kuzco: Fine. I don't need you. I can find my own way back.

Pacha: I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.

Kuzco: Nice try, pal.

Pacha: No, really. I'm telling you, there are jaguars and snakes and quicksand.

Kuzco: [High Voice] I'm not listening.

Pacha: I'm not kidding. Listen, you cannot go in there.

Kuzco: La la la la. Oh. Heh heh. Still not listening.

Pacha: Aw, you... Fine. Fine. Go ahead! If there's no Kuzco, there's no Kuzcotopia. Takes care of my problem. Hmm.

Kuzco: [Kuzco Laughs] Scary jungle. Right. Ooh, a leaf. Ooh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree. [High Voice] I'm afraid. Ha ha. Please. Never find my way? I'm the emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?

[Buzzing]

Kuzco: [Gasps] Wha--

Fly: Help me! Help me! Help me!

[Crunch]

Kuzco: Uhh.

Fly: Too late.

Kuzco: OK, that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen. [Gasps]

[Animal Roars]

Kuzco: Aah! Hmm. What do you want?

Bucky: [Chatters]

Kuzco: Oh, for me? Why, I don't know what to say.

Bucky: [Laughs] Ow!

Kuzco: Hit the road, bucky.

Bucky: [Mutters]

Kuzco: [Raspberry]

Kuzco: Aah! Ow! Huh? Huh?

[Snoring]

Kuzco: Huh? Uh-oh.

Bucky: [Chatters]

Kuzco: No, no. No, no, no, no.

Bucky: [Chatters]

Kuzco: No, no. No, don't.

Bucky: [Chatters]

[Loud Pop]

Kuzco: Ha! [Gasps]

[Jaguars Roaring]

Kuzco: Aah! No! Aah!

[Jaguar Roars]

Kuzco: Aah!

[Roaring]

[Meow]

Kuzco: You killer jaguars... Whoa!

Pacha: Aah-eee! Aah! [Pacha Screams Tarzan Yell] Aah!

[Jaguars Growling]

Pacha: Yee-aah!

Kuzco: Aah!

Pacha: Don't worry, Your Highness. I gotcha. You're safe now.

Kuzco: Maybe I just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?

Pacha: No, no, no. It's--It's OK. This--This is all right. We can figure this out.

Kuzco: I hate you.

Pacha: No!

Kuzco: Yaah! Aah! Ow!

[Both Scream]

[Bubbly Scream]

Kuzco: Whoo hoo hoo! Aah! Ow! Ow! Uhh!

[Both Cough]

Kuzco: [Spits] I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.

Pacha: Uh-oh.

Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Pacha: Yep.

Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha: Most likely.

Kuzco: Bring it on. Boo-yah! Whoo!

[Splash]

Pacha: [Gasps] [Gasps] [Inhales] [Sighs] Your Highness. Your Highness, can you hear me? Oh, boy. Come on, breathe. Breathe! Ohh. Why me? Ooh! All right. [Inhales] Ohh!

Kuzco: Aah!

[Both Spit]

Both: Ohh!

[Gargles]

Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.

Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it... [Spits] it was disgusting. And if you would've done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could've been spared your little kiss of life.

Pacha: Aw!

Kuzco: But now that you're here, you will take me back to the palace. I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. Oh, yeah.

Pacha: OK, now, look, I think we got off on the wrong foot here.

Kuzco: Mm-hmm.

Pacha: I think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.

Kuzco: And why would I do that?

Pacha: Because... deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.

Kuzco: And that's... bad?

Pacha: [Laughs] Well, yeah. Nobody's that heartless.

Kuzco: Mmm. Now take me back.

Pacha: What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.

Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program, eh, Pacha?

Pacha: You know what? Someday, you're going to wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Kuzco: Thanks for that. I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.

Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here, because unlese you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.

Kuzco: [Imitates] Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back. Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't-- Somebody's throwing stuff. You going to build a fire or what?

Pacha: [Sighs] He's never going to change his mind.

Kuzco: Ohh. How am I ever going to get out of here? [Muttering, Shivering] [Stops Shivering]

?????

Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince...

Kronk: [Sobbing]

Yzma: taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.

Kronk: Poor little guy.

Yzma: His legacy will live on our hearts...

Kronk: He had never had a chance.

Yzma: for all eternity.

Kronk: [Sniffles]

Yzma: Well, he ain't gettin' any deader. Back to work.

[Blows]

Yzma: Kronk, darlin', I must you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons, but now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.

Kronk: Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's... Heh. He's dead, all right. Heh heh. I mean, you can't get much deader than he-- then he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.

Yzma: I suppose.

Kronk: Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.

Yzma: Kronk...

Kronk: I should tell you right now I'm kind of hard to fit.

Yzma: Kronk...

Kronk: I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.

Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.

Kronk: Do you need to hear all those words exactly?

Yzma: He's still alive?

Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as would've hoped.

Yzma: Kronk...

Kronk: I just thought I'd give you the heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.

Yzma: He can't come back!

Kronk: Yeah. That would be kind of awkward-- especially after that lovely eulogy.

Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we are through! Now let's move!

Tipo: Dad, look out! [Panting]

Chicha: Tipo, what is it?

Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and careening out of control down a raging river of death!

Chicha: All right, all right, it's OK.

Tipo: It was awful!

Chicha: Shh! It's OK, it's OK. Tipo, calm down. It was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.

Tipo: Oh. Like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.

Chicha: That's right.

Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.

Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen.

Chaca: It could.

Tipo: Nuh-uh.

Chaca: Yeah-huh.

Tipo: Nuh-uh.

Chaca: Yeah-huh.

[Continue Bickering Quickly]

Chica: Good night, you two.

Both: Night, Mom!

Chaca: Yeah-huh. Yeah-huh.

Tipo: Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.

[Screeching]

Pacha: Ooh! [Coughs] B-B-Brr!

Kuzco: Uh, hey. Thanks.

Pacha: Oh. No problem.

Kuzco: Feels like wool.

Pacha: Yeah.

Kuzco: Alpaca?

Pacha: Oh, yeah, it is.

Kuzco: Oh, yeah, I thought so. It's nice.

Pacha: My wife made it.

Kuzco: Oh, she knits?

Pacha: Crochets.

Kuzco: Crochets? Nice.

Pacha: Thanks.

[Ribbit]

[Ribbit Ribbit]

Kuzco: So... So, I was thinking that when I got back to the city, we'd, uh... I mean, there's lots of hilltops, and maybe I might, you know... I--I might...

Pacha: Are you saying... you've changed your mind?

Kuzco: Oh, well, I--I...

Pacha: Because you know that means you're doing something nice for something else.

Kuzco: No, I know that. I know.

Pacha: And you're all right with that?

Kuzco: Yes. What?

Pacha: Don't shake unless you mean it. All right. Let's get you back to the palace. Oh, by the way, thanks.

Kuzco: No... thank you.

?????

Pacha: OK. Once we cross this bridge, it's only an hour to the palace.

Kuzco: Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.

Pacha: I believe it. What was that?

Kuzco: Nothing.

Pacha: Ohh! Whoa! Kuzco! Kuzco!

Kuzco: Yeah?

Pacha: Quick, help me up!

Kuzco: No. I don't think I will.

Pacha: You're going to leave me here?

Kuzco: Well, I was going to have you imprisoned for life, but I kind of like this better.

Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.

Kuzco: Oh, come on. I had to say something to get you to take me back to the city.

Pacha: So all of it was a lie?

Kuzco: Well, yeah. No, wait. Uh, yeah, yeah. It all was a lie. Toodles.

Pacha: We shook hands on it! [Echoes]

Kuzco: You know, the funny thing about about shaking hands is... you need hands. Ha! OK. Buh-bye. Aah!

Pacha: Are you OK? Are you all right?

Kuzco: Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm all right.

Pacha: Good! That's for going back on your promise!

Kuzco: Yii! Yeah. That's for kidnapping me and taking me to your village... which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. Ah ha ha ha! No touchy. Ooh!

Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was good in everyone, but ooh, you proved me wrong.

Kuzco: Oh, boohoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.

Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.

Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly and stupid.

Pacha: Let's end this.

Kuzco: Ladies first.

[Bell Dings]

Pacha: Aah!

Kuzco: Yaah!

[Both Grunting]

[Honks]

[Rope Snaps]

Kuzco: Ohh!

Both: Aah!

[Both Screaming]

Both: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Pacha: Whoa!

Kuzco: Ohh!

[Alligators Roar]

Kuzco: What are we gonna do? Aah! What are we gonna do? We're gonna die! We're gonna die! That's it for me!

Pacha: No, we're not. Calm down. I have an idea. Give me your arm. OK, now the other one. When I say go, push against my back, and we'll walk up the hill. Ready? Go.

Kuzco: Ow! You did that on purpose. Aah!

Pacha: No, I didn't! Now, we're gonna have to work together to get out of this, so follow my lead. Ready? Right foot.

Kuzco: Whose right? Your right or mine?

Pacha: I don't care. Mine.

Kuzco: Well, why yours?

Pacha: OK, your right! Ready?

Kuzco: OK, got it.

Pacha: OK, right. Left. Right.

Kuzco: Ha ha! Look, we're moving!

[Roar]

Kuzco: Aah!

Pacha: Don't look down! Now, stay with me. Stay with me. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right!

Kuzco: Now what, genius?

Pacha: Working on it. OK, here's the deal. Stretch out your neck, and I'll grab the rope.

Kuzco: How do I know you won't let me fall after you grab the rope?

Pacha: You're just gonna have to trust me!

Kuzco: [Strains] You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy, or this would be really difficult. Aah! Aah!

Pacha: Almost. Got it! It's stuck.

Kuzco: Take your time. No hurry here. Scorpions! Aah ha ha!

Pacha: Kuzco!

Kuzco: Aah! Oh, no!

Pacha: Uhh! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Kuzco: Huh? Aah! Aah!

Pacha: Whoa!

[Both Laugh]

[Rumbling]

Pacha: Huh?

Kuzco: Look out!

Pacha: Ohh! Ohh.

Kuzco: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Ooh, look at me and my bad self. I snatched you right out of the air. "Ooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Pacha: You just saved my life.

Kuzco: Huh? So?

Pacha: I knew it.

Kuzco: Knew what?

Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.

Kuzco: Oh, no.

Pacha: Admit it.

Kuzco: Wrong.

Pacha: Yes, there is.

Kuzco: Nuh-uh.

Pacha: I think there is.

Kuzco: Nuh-uh!

Pacha: Hey, you could've let me fall.

Kuzco: Come on, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless. [Gasps] Don't read too much into it. It was a one-time thing.

Pacha: Right. Sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a 4-day walk to the palace.

Kuzco: What? You mean you're still taking me back?

Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?

Kuzco: Well, yeah, but I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.

Pacha: Well, 4 days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.

Kuzco: Uh-huh. 4 days. What are the chances of you carrying me? Not good.

?????

Kronk: No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.

Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?

Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk. I had to be versed in the woodland creatures. Please continue.

Bucky: [Chatters]

Yzma: Aah! Why me? Why me?

Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy has had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.

Yzma: Oh, a talking llama? Ha ha ha ha! Do tell. Heh heh heh heh!

Bucky: [Chatters]

Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you.

Yzma: Well, then you ask him.

Kronk: [Sighs] I hate being in the middle. Squeaky, uh... squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.

Bucky: [Chatters] Aah!

Kronk: Jaguars? No kidding? Brutal.

Bucky: [Chattering] [Stops Chattering]

Kronk: Uh, could you give us a little room here?

Yzma: Uh, sorry.

Bucky: Uh-uh.

Kronk: A little bit more, please.

Yzma: How is this?

Bucky: [Chatters]

Kronk: Yeah, that's good.

Yzma: Now ask him which way the talking llama went!

Kronk: Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'.

Bucky: [Chatters]

?????

Pacha: Low blood sugar, huh?

Kuzco: Yeah. It's a curse. Ha.

Pacha: Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.

Waitress: [Sighs] Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug...

Kuzco: [Giggles]

Waitress: ...of meat. What'll it be?

Pacha: Ahem. We'll have 2 specials. Is that all right, dear?

Kuzco: Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like.

Pacha: Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon.

Waitress: Bless you for coming out in public. So that's 2 specials.

Kuzco: And an onion log. To split. [Giggles]

Waitress: Ordering! I need 2 heartburns and a deep-fried doorstop on table 12!

[Laughing]

Pacha: OK, so I'll admit this was a good idea.

Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?

Pacha: That's funny, because I thought you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really bad ideas.

Kuzco: Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.

Waitress: Hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple. Mazel tov.

Kuzco: [Sniffs]

[Splort]

Pacha: Oh, boy. [Slurping]

Kuzco: Ooh. Ugh. Bluh. Urp!

Pacha: Oh, here. Let me get that for you.

Kuzco: Bleaggh! Uck!

Pacha: Where are you going?

Kuzco: I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.

Pacha: You're gonna get us thrown out.

Kuzco: Please. With this disguise, I'm invisible.

Man: Heh heh!

Yzma: We've been walking around in circles for who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel. I should have done away with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.

Pacha: [Coughing]

Kronk: Oh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that.

[Squeak]

Kronk: Uh-oh. I'll get you another one, Yzma. Yo.

Pacha: [Gasps]

Kronk: You using that fork there, pal? Hey, don't I know you?

Pacha: I don't think so.

Kronk: Wrestled you in high school?

Pacha: Don't remember that.

Kronk: Metal shop? I got it! Miss Narca's interpretive dance--2 semesters. Is was usually in the back of my weak ankles. Come on, pal. You gotta help me out here.

Pacha: I don't think we've ever met, but I gotta go.

Kronk: Don't worry. I'll think of it.

Kuzco: Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. I'm not the only one that thinks that, I'm sure.

Pacha: Psst! Hey!

Kuzco: So I'm just checking to make sure you're going to take the main course up a notch.

Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?

Kronk: Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.

Kuzco: It's a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible... on this menu?

Chef: Gah!

[Gasps]

Kuzco: Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!

Kronk: Hey, pal, what's your policy on making special orders?

Chef: All right, buster, that's it! You want a special order, then you make it! I quit!

Kronk: Yeah, but I--

Chef: I try and I try, but there's no respect for anyone with vision. That's it! There's just nothing I can do about it!

Kronk: Please don't go.

Waitress: 3 pork combos, extra bacon on the side, 2 chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?

Kronk: 3 oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill, got it.

Kuzco: What's going on?

Pacha: No time to explain. We gotta get out of here.

Yzma: What is he doing in there?

Pacha: Uhh! Come on!

Kuzco: In a minute. I'm still hungry.

Pacha: No, Kuzco!

Kuzco: OK, I'll make it simple for you. I'll have a spinach omelet with wheat toast. You got it?

Kronk: Can do.

Yzma: What's taking so long?

Kronk: Pickup!

Yzma: Kronk! What are you doing?

Kronk: Kinda busy here.

Yzma: Why am I not surprised?

Kronk: You order's up!

Yzma: Ohh! Oh, well, while you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy!

Kronk: Check. Pickup!

Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.

Kronk: Meat pie. Check.

Yzma: Kronk!

[Screech]

Yzma: Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?

Kronk: I'll have you to charge you full price.

Yzma: Ooh!

Kuzco: Hey, about a side of potatoes, my buddy?

Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?

Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.

Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.

Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.

Kronk: Hold the cheese.

Yzma: No, I want the cheese.

Kuzco: Cheese me no likee.

Kronk: Cheese out.

Yzma: Cheese in!

Kronk: Come on, make up your mind!

Kuzco: OK, OK, on second thought...

Both: Make my potatoes a salad.

[Slurp]

[Slurp]

Pacha: Excuse me. You see that woman over there? [Mumbling]

Waitress: No problem, hon. We do that all the time.

Waiters: ♪ 1, 2, 3, 4! Happy, happy birthday from all of us to you! We wish it was our birthday, so we could party, too! Happy, happy birthday, may all your dreams come true- ♪

Kronk: Ha ha ha! It's your birthday?

Kuzco: [Grunting] What are you doing?

Pacha: Look, there's 2 people in there looking for you.

Kuzco: What?

Pacha: A big guy and a skinny old woman.

Kuzco: Wait. Was this woman scary beyond all reason?

Pacha: Oh, yeah.

Kuzco: That's Yzma and Kronk! I'm saved!

Pacha: Trust me, they're not here to save you.

Kuzco: They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here.

Pacha: You don't understand. They're trying to kill you.

Kuzco: Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.

Pacha: No. I can't let you!

Kuzco: What? Wha-- Oh, I get it!

Pacha: What?

Kuzco: You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.

Pacha: No!

Kuzco: This has all been an act, and I almost fell for it.

Pacha: Will you just listen to me--

Kuzco: No, no, you listen to me. All you care about is your stupid hilltop!

Pacha: What?

Kuzco: You don't care about me. Now, just get out of here. Go!

Pacha: But--

Kuzco: Go on! Get outta here!

Pacha: Fine! Hmph!

Yzma: Oh, this entire mess is all your fault.

Kronk: What'd I do?

Yzma: If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Kuzco would be dead now! There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and kill him!

Kronk: Said I was sorry. Can't just let it go. Not even your birthday.

Yzma: Kuzco must be eliminated. The empire will finally be rid of that useless slug.

Kronk: You got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?

Kuzco: Pacha! Pacha!? [Sighs]

A llama alone/Good news

• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• -
• Yzma: This had better be good!
• -

Kuzco reunites with Pacha, Tino and his friends and apologizes to them

• -
• Kuzco: Hey, listen, Pacha, guys. You know, what I said back at the diner, I didn't really-
• -
• -
• -
• Pacha: So, it's hard being a llama?
• -

Ending

• -
• -
• Kuzco: So, you lied to me.
• Pacha: I did?
• Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this bridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills, and I did not hear any singing. So... I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.
• Pacha: Hmm. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
• Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp, I'm on it. Looks like you and your family are stuck on that tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
• Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.
• [Chirping]
• Kuzco: Ha! Boom, baby!
• Pacha: Ha! Boom, baby!
• Theme song guy: ♪ You'd be the coolest dude in the nation, or the hippest cat in creation. But if you ain't got friends, then nothing's worth the fuss. A perfect world will come to be, when everybody here can see that a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect worlds begins and ends, a perfect world begins and ends with us! ♪

(???)

• Yzma: Sqeaukin'
• Kronk: I'm so proud of you guys.