Editing Ash's Adventures of Hercules/Transcript (section)

== Meg meets with Hades, Team Rocket, Pain and Pain in the forest/Hades learns Hercules is alive ==
[Megara walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a small gopher]

Megara: Aw.. how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park.

Pain (as a bunny): Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny!

Panic (as a gopher): A-and I'm his gopher.

Together: Ta-dah! [they turn into themselves]

Megara: (sighs) I thought I smelled a rat.

Hades: Meg.

Megara: Speak of the devil.

Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less.

Megara: I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

Hades: Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot.

Megara: It wasn't my fault. It was that wonderboy, Hercules. (Hades' eyes widen with suspicion.)

Panic: (pacing nervously) Hercules? Why does that name ring a bell?

Pain: (cluelessly) I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

Hades: What was that name again?

Megara: Hercules. He comes on with this big, innocent farm  boy routine but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to—

Pain and Panic: (horrified realization) Oh, my gods! (They see Hades preparing to grab them.)

Panic: Run for it!

(Pain and Panic try running for their lives, until Hades grabs them by their tails, extending his arms.)

Hades: (dragging Pain and Panic back) So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a door nail. (holds up his boys) Weren't those your exact words?

Pain: This might be a different Hercules.

Panic: Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a... (gets choked by Hades) very popular name nowadays!

Pain: (being choked on) Remember, like, a few years ago every other boy  was named Jason and the girls were all named Brittany?

Hades: I'm about to rearrange the Cosmos, (He flings Pain and Panic on the ground, turning them into cockroaches.) And the one SCHLEMIEL WHO CAN LOUSE IT UP IS WALTZING AROUND '''IN THE WOODS!'''[Hades explodes, burning down the entire forest. Megara ducks down from the incoming blaze.]

Pain: Wait. Wait, big guy. (morphs back to normal) We can still cut in on his waltzing.

Panic: That's right! (morphs back to normal as well ) And-and-and at least, we made him mortal, that's a good thing. Didn't we?

Hades: Hmm... (He extends his arms and brings Meg, Pain, and Panic closer to him as he instructs them.) Fortunately, for the three of you, we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups.

Meowth: Yeah, ya dig?

{Meanwhile, Hercules and Phil are flying on Pegasus, as they reach the city of Thebes.}

Hercules: Wow! Is that all one town?

Phil: One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. [They enter the city.] Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. [They almost get hit by a passing carriage.]

Driver: Look where you're goin' numbskull!

Phil: Hey, we're walkin' here! You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you- wackos.

Man: Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here!

Smuggler: Hey, Mack. [he opens his coat at Phil and Hercules]

Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Smuggler: You wanna buy a sundial?

Ash Ketchum: No, thanks.

Phil: He's not interested, all right? Come on, kids

Man: The end is coming! Can't you feel it?

Phil: Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a while. (to Hercules) Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts. That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered.

(At a fountain nearby, a group of people are discussing the city's problems.)

Woman: It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire

Man: Everything except old Snowball here. [Snowball, a now black, and electrically shocked cat, meows.]

Strong man: Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake?

Thin woman: They were after the earthquake, I remember.

Heavy woman: But before the flood.

Old man: Don't even get me started on the crime rate.

Heavy woman: Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry.

Old man: Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I—

Man: All we need now is a plague or locusts.

[A locust hops in and chirps, scaring everybody.]

Old man: That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta!

Hercules: (arriving up to them) Excuse me. It, uh *ahem*, seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.

Strong man: (skeptically) Yeah, and who are you?

Hercules: I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be... a hero. 

[crowd laughs]

Old man: Is that so?

Woman: A hero!

Old man: Have you ever saved a town before?

Hercules: Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I—

Strong man: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?

Hercules: Well, uh... no.

Strong man: Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.

Woman: That's a laugh.

Phil: Don't you pea brains get it?

Woman: Hmm?

Phil: This kid is a genuine article.

Man: Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?

Phil: (Getting angry) Watch it pal!

Strong man: Yeah, you're right. Hey, nice job on those heels! Ya' missed a spot!

Phil: I got your heel right here! (hits the man and starts beating him) I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You--

Hercules: Hey Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil.

Strong man: What are you, crazy? Sheesh.

Heavy woman: Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur.

Hercules: Well, wait. Stop! (Sighs, to Phil) How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance?

Phil: You'll get your chance; you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster.

[Megara appears in the crowd]

Megara: Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident!

Hercules: Meg?

Phil: Speaking of disasters.

Megara: Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness!

Hercules: Wha-what's wrong?

Megara: Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge.  There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped!

Hercules: Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great!

Megara: You are really choked up about this, aren't ya?

Hercules: (Dragging Meg) Come on!

Megara: No, I-- You don't under-- I have this terrible fear of heights!

Phil: (running) I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo! (panting) I am way behind ya, kid. (sputtering) I got a fur wedgie.